*Land of Confusion*

Jeez. How to even start this. First off, Adam and I broke up. It was mutual and we had both seen it coming for awhile, even though I kept trying to deny it was happening and we kept putting it off. Eventually I was able to make the first step and break it off. While its sad its ended, life needs to go on. I've never been one to truly grieve over a breakup as theres nothing that can really be done about it. Yeah it sucks, but moving on has to happen. How I move on usually is to jump right into dating. So I have.

There is a special guy. A guy I have known for 7 years. A guy who has always been there for me, been one of my best friends for so long. Probably my longest known friend that I've actually stayed in close contact with. For 7 years it was believed that it was 'just friends' and a 'brother/sister' relationship or whatever. At least those were the excuses we kept attempting to make. Realizing those true feelings that have been suppressed for so long is very powerful. It comes on fast and hard, like a punch in the gut you didn't see coming. This is a guy that many years ago I saw myself spending my life with... Then as a lifelong best friend... I remember how jealous I was when I first heard he was engaged.... It seemed like a stab to the heart... Knowing that nothing could ever happen, there was never going to be even the slimmest shot at anything after that.

Then they broke up. They are both wonderful people, but similar to Adam and I, realized it was only meant to be as friends. I'm realizing how important this guy is to my life. And how much I care for him. I am willing to share anything with him and I've never been afraid to hide anything from him. I have always been able to talk to him and tell him just how I felt. In fact, there were times when I think I was much more open than I should have been. We've had chats ranging from pretending we were racing down the street in Malibu Bob to moving to Ireland together. Each time I talk to him, I am never left without a smile or a great memory or conversation to look back on. While it sucks we don't live close by, we are older than we were at 14 and 15. We have grown and matured and shared so much together in the past 7 years. While now that we might have a shot at a future, I almost seem like there are some things I can't tell him or show him now that its possible. Then I realize, how absolutely silly I am being. I'm letting my butterflies and nerves get to me. Above all we are friends, more would be amazing and thrilling. For me to not share anything with him is to not trust him. And he is the one person I trust through it all. Everything. The bad and good. I feel like an idiot.

Kurt. This is for you. I love you you dork.