Life has been pretty crazy. I am working as a server/bartender at Schooners and preparing to enter my senior year of college. It doesn't seem like its been 4 years since I walked onto that campus. I have had so many wonderful and not-so-wonderful times there. Now that its nearly over, I'm finding that I really don't want to leave.
Which brings me to my more internal dilemma. I'm starting to realize I really don't like change. At least in certain circumstances. My spontaneous side loves change. There are times when I just want to go new places and explore new things and just start all over. There are other times where I just want things to stay just as they are. This confusion makes me have to wonder how I'm going to handle going into the real world and what will await me out there. At this point, I'm only in school to get a degree. I don't want to be here and I don't have any career aspirations. The only thing I want to do with my life is find "The One" and marry him and have kids. I believe I have found "The One", and that belief is especially affirmed at times like these where I become so scared of losing him. I want his happiness above all things, and I pray that it is with me, however, only God and time will tell. I just know I have never felt like this about anyone. I know that everytime I look into his eyes, I see someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I know that he is the only person I would drop everything for and follow him wherever he needed to go if he asked me to go with him. My head tells me that us being together seems unrealistic with his goals, but my heart speaks even stronger. My heart tells me that we can make it work. I know its a year off, but it is a constant thought that lingers within the depths of my mind. I believe it is there because its such a huge and important part of my life. Sometimes I feel he is scared to be in such a committed relationship because he never has before, and I feel the thought of marriage and forever scares him because its life changing. He says he believes our relationship is strong. He says he is happy. I'm scared of that changing. All my friends are getting engaged, married, or are having kids. Maybe that is what is making me so extremely restless. Watching everyone get what I have dreamed of having for years. It depresses me and makes me think it cannot and will never happen for me. Maybe I'm not scared of him rejecting me. Maybe I'm scared of becoming restless. Maybe I want it to happen so bad that I become scared that it never will and run off. Maybe I'm just scared of myself.
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