Updates
*Over the past weekend, my parents surprised me and I got to meet 4 of the greatest Redskins players of ALL time, including my favorite Redskin, Darrell Green. The other 3 were: Art Monk, Ricky Sanders, and Gary Clark :)... Picture below is me with the 4 of them. (Art Monk, Ricky Sanders, Gary Clark, Me, Darrell Green).. I was the only person at the event to get a picture with all 4 of them together! Yay!!
*Enjoyed my last day of summer out on the beach with my best friend!
*Planned a Labors Day cookout with the best friend, her boyfriend, and me and Adam.
*Thought of the possibility of spending Fall Break in NYC :)
*I started my senior year of college
*Got added into my senior seminar class that I needed to graduate
*Realized how hard its going to be to manage a full-time course load along with one, possibly two, jobs
*Talked with Adam more about our future (more below)
*Endured a problem at work (more below)
Now onto the Thoughts...
Thoughts
First I'll start with the bad.... So I can end this entry on a good note.
Yesterday (Monday), I was absolutely exhausted after having spent all day in classes and faced with the fact that I had to work all evening. I dragged myself to work and walked in, finding one of my regular customers there. I walked around the bar to say hello to him, he asked for a hug and I gave him one. I began to walk away and get ready for work when he asked me "Are you back in school now?".. I said "yes." He called me back over... Grabbed my shirt sleeve and pulled me closer to him and asked me something similar to the fact that he would pay for my college if I would sleep with him once a week. What he actually said was alot more gross, so I'm not going to put it word-for-word on here. He ran his hand along the side of my body, alot higher and lower than I was at ALL comfortable with. I got away and walked to the other side of the restaurant, pretty much in shock at this point. This guy had always been very nice and polite. I thought when I went back over, I'd get a hug and pat on the back wishing me good luck. Instead I found myself in a situation where I began to feel confused. I acted normally for a few minutes because I was in such shock. Then it hit me like a Mac Truck. I went out back and just started sobbing. I felt so embarrassed and disgusted. I felt gross all over. I didn't want to go back into the restaurant. I had flashbacks of the rape attempts I've had and the images that seem permanently tattooed into my mind began coming before me clear as day and I couldn't push them away. I was so scared I didn't know what to do. I'm sure everyone thought I was overreacting, but I felt I was simply acting honestly. I wasn't overexaggerating how upset I was, nor how serious I felt the situation was. I told the bartender and a few other co-workers what happened and the gentleman was talked to. The bartender then came back and told me that all I had to do was say the word and he would kick him out. I was a bit disturbed by that fact. I was obviously very upset. I went back into the restaurant and couldn't even walk out of the kitchen without feeling like I was about to choke or start crying again. When something like that happens, the person should automatically be kicked out. You shouldn't have to ask. That really bothered me. I don't need to feel put on the spot anymore than I already am. I got comments like "I wish someone would say that about me". THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!! I appreciate the attempt, but it does nothing for me but make me feel bad for getting so upset. Then I think there is something wrong with me and how I handle things. I am very open with my emotions and how I feel. And with situations like this, I'm already confused enough. I don't need the additional confusion of figuring out if there is something wrong with me. Eventually, another one of my co-workers arrived and told me to leave and go home. I came home, saw Adam and cried for about 30 minutes, though it felt like 30 years. It made me think about those who have gone through this who haven't said anything. Who have trusted someone and then had that trust betrayed in the most cruel of ways. Those who had things like this happen that ended up in much worse situations than mine. I pray for these people that they have the strength to tell someone and to get through the situation. I believe it is so much more important to talk about your feelings than to bottle them up inside. I bottled my feelings up for 18 years before they started to erupt. I still feel some anger and emotion back from 18 years ago that I should have let out then, but didn't. Now I try to always be honest as to how I feel. This partially leads into another portion of the "thoughts".
I had a conversation with Adam last night. I realized I constantly tell him how I feel and what I want, but never ask him what he wants and how he feels. I need to work on that and get better at it. So I began asking him questions and from his answers, asked more questions. I was able to pull out some information to help me figure out what he looks for in the future. I never realized some of those things about him before. I asked him, "If you were in the military, would you get married before or after you'd get shipped overseas?" He told me "I would never get married just because I'm in the military because I believe that trivializes the meaning of marriage... I'd get married when I came home because if I had someone willing to wait for me that long, I know thats who I'd marry." Looking into this answer, I feel I discovered an answer to a more personal question. "What about us?" I constantly wonder what will happen to us if he goes away. He finally told me a couple weeks ago he'd be willing to try a long distance relationship. I'm finally able to admit that while I'm not ready for marriage, I'd rather marry him before he leaves if it meant we could stay together. I'm starting to realize now, that that year apart could be the best thing for both of us. He'd get to advance his career, and I'd get to figure out all of my money issues, and get them taken care of. Possibly do that semester at Disney I've wanted to do since I started college. Maybe if I can wait for him for that year, he will know that I'm the person he's going to marry. Maybe not. Thats the part that scares me. Waiting for a year for someone who may or may not be the one. Deep down I know he is, but I think that is what scares me. Is knowing, but the part of me that is always doubting, questions that knowledge. Ugh. I wish love was easy, rather than complicated. But then again, would love be nearly as worth it if it wasn't risky or challenging?
Blah. I think thats it for now.
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